Ever share an idea or a goal and someone shuts you down with all that could, would or should go wrong? Just a Debbie Downer for no good reason sucking all the motivation away a real dream deflator. That WAS me yup I was Debbie, and I had a problem. Like most every lesson I’ve learned in adulthood, it was a kid who showed me the error in my ways. An ambitious and bright teenager who sets hefty goals and makes them happen. She held a mirror up to me and forced me to see that I was the dream slayer and from that moment the road to recovery ensued.
Keep Your Fears to Yourself
I used to be so fearless but life, responsibilities and presumed failures led to me to a self-imposed prison of fear. I’m easily embarrassed so every misstep would deter me from pushing forward-thinking of course that everyone could see my mistakes. It really is ridiculous. No one really cares what the next person is doing they’re too busy focused on their own lives and even if so why do their opinions weigh so heavily? Mistakes are life lessons on what not to do that’s it! I was projecting my fears on this child and she showed me. Not only did she meet the goal she hit it at twice as much as predicted. I felt both dumb and encouraged all at once. The same way we talk ourselves out of things we can achieve much more by talking ourselves into them and I’ve gotten pretty good at it. During this evolution, I’ve become very particular about who I share my goals with to avoid negative opinions and Debby downers like I once was. I’m mindful of not just their words but also intentions. Some people say nice things but their energy speaks volumes. No thank you keep your fear and hatred to yourself please, I have enough necessary hurdles to overcome on my way upward. I choose to avoid useless goal breakers. As a result, my circle is smaller, but my successes are bigger and I have no regrets about that. The only thing I fear is letting myself down by doubting my capabilities because of the opinions of someone else. Some people can’t help it they’re just toxic I guess it’s just a necessary part of life’s balance. Fear is just imagination veering in the wrong direction, there’s no need to shy away from it instead Face Everything And Rise (anonymous).
At the start of my first official independent blogging experience. I had in mind all things celebrity gossip. I admittedly over-indulge in this sector of content at times and I’ve done some anonymous posts on other blogger sites. However, I find celebrity news to be dark and draining if you linger too long in its peripheral. I remember when a beloved actor passed away following his phenomenal portrayal of “the Joker,” there had been interviews prior to that discussed how dangerous it is to put your mind in such a heavy space because it’s difficult to recover from it. There’s a similar effect when you consume too much of a toxic lifestyle, that energy can transfer to you. The apparent extravagance of celebrity is enticing and it’s hard not to be seduced by the lifestyle. Yet there are good reasons to abstain from this particular addiction.
1. Everything about celebrity is deceptive.
Famous people spend much of their lives acting. This is true from the actual look of celebrities to the perceived perfection of their lives. I have to assume that it’s difficult to maintain these facades which explains the amount of mind-numbing substances used to keep up appearances in celebrity-land.
2. There is a lot of truth to the fact that you have to sell your soul to make it to the top.
Backstabbing, compromised values, and plain Immoral behavior are all staples of top celebrities. With these actions comes awful loneliness, because there are so few people that can be trusted.
3. “The love of money is the root of all evil.”To be clear having money and desiring a comfortable lifestyle is fine, but worshiping money is where true darkness lies. Money is unfortunately equated to success. Although it is one type of success massive amounts of money cannot ensure confidence or self-worth.
In sum, I’d have to say I shy away from much celebrity news to maintain optimistic sanity. It’s made it a struggle at times to find meaningful subjects but forced me to live in the real world. I no longer covet the fictional character’s lives. Celebrity gossip is entertaining in small doses, but don’t fall victim to fantasyland in reality your life is likely better!
These randomly arranged thoughts are both advice to myself and whoever reads this that may need it. I survived a pretty toxic circumstance but after finally freeing myself I found that I’ve been merely existing ever since and not thriving as I’d hoped. There’s a saying in therapy “what doesn’t kill you makes you weaker.” Forgive me if I’ve said this before I’m sure it won’t be the last time I repeat it. The meaning of this is we grow more resilient and less reactive to trauma and pain when it’s repeated, but mentally you shut down a little more, trust a lot less and the mind is less responsive to joy. Persistent trauma cripples one’s ability to flourish. I had venture to say sticks and stones may break bones but names can kill you!
I was raised to keep pain inside and push through, showing hurt was a sign of weakness. In intimate relationships, there’s no leaving. Once committed it’s for life. Someone should have told me that riding until the wheels fall off is reckless and downright dumb. This year I woke up out of my pre-programmed haze and took steps to find myself again. In all honesty, it’s been an uphill battle. It’s tough because so many years were spent pleasing someone else I have no idea where I lost myself and what to do to find her, so I started with a date and that’s how I got here. I went on a date that turned into a whirlwind romance with a remarkable person, but some months have passed and the honeymoon phase is coming to an end well at least for me. Now all the paranoia from that unhealed trauma is back. Things have been so great I keep looking for the other shoe to drop! I push love away and it keeps pulling me towards it. Finally, I put my foot down and broke it all off. This can’t be real, happiness is fleeting it doesn’t stick around or at least it hadn’t for me. I thought that going back to my familiar painful state, my comfort zone would return and all would be made okay. Well, it wasn’t so I had to face the fact that I’ve grown and being miserable is no longer my norm. I did a lot of soul searching and realized I was blaming my new love for not being the disappointment my old one was. Makes no sense I know, but bear with me. This love tells the truth when I’m accustomed to lies, this love hugs me tighter when I fight to run, this love stays through my tantrums and outburst and feeble attempts to test their loyalty. But, everyone has a limit. It’s not fair to keep punishing this love for crimes the last one committed. Maybe more healing time is needed or therapy or whatever will halt these behaviors. They’re self-defeating and just plain suck! All of those schizoid actions make me look and feel crazy and they prevent real happiness. I had to take a hard look in the mirror and recognize that I was allowing the ghost of my ex to scare away the prince in my present. The barrier between me and what I want is me! Now, how to fix it? First, accept the fact that happiness exists and I do really deserve to live it. Once you escape toxicity you have to actually move away from it. Imagine taking out the trash but leaving behind the aroma, pointless right? You have to let go of your past to make room for your future. I’m finally dropping what no longer serves me, hopefully, those in a similar limbo will do the same too!
We’ve all heard that self-esteem comes from within etc., but let’s be clear there are a million things that contribute to the way we view ourselves from parents & peers to pants size. I’m not sure why it’s such an anomaly that the images we see constantly plastered across our screens could adversely effect our confidence.
My biggest gripe with reality TV is that it just isn’t real. At its onset I was a big fan of the genre, but with maturity came the realization that I was being duped big time. Yet it didn’t bother me until recently when I was watching some reality-tv commentators with my daughter. They were discussing recent gossip and flashed a photo of a celebrity from a popular reality program. She was attractive and curvy but by no means a heavy woman. My daughter said “wow she’s still fat her baby’s over a month now she needs to work out.” I was stunned almost silent (*almost). I had to turn off the television and have a chat with little miss judgmental. I explained the length of time it actually takes for a woman’s body to heal postpartum. I also informed her that many of her favorite influencers get tummy tucks and liposuction very shortly after delivery, which accounts for their apparent instantaneous snap-back. Newsflash: those photos of your favs in the gym are often staged to maintain doctor “nip-tucks” work and pass it off as the real deal. My daughter said she understood and apologized for judging a woman neither of us know and truthfully I’m not invested in. I was defending real women including myself. Those who don’t book vacations to buy a new butt or suck out unwanted belly fat. The women who actually have to diet and exercise because weight loss surgery is costly and scary for some of us. Despite her efforts to hush me I accepted her behavior as a teachable moment to enlighten her to the fact that no one is perfect even the painted and heavily filtered celebrities she admires on social media.
A friend told me about an influencer he met online and started a flirtation with. He said after talking on the phone they decided to hang out. The day they met he says she chose to go natural, no lashes, hair extensions, makeup or waist trainer. He said she looked awful and eyebrow-less it was scary, his words not mine.
My point isn’t to put her down but to shed light on the fact that there’s a downside to being “real-fake” all the time. The amount of false perfection subliminally being forced down our throats is obscene. It’s on television, in print ads and promoted in music. Its like an attack of the plastics. Not everyone is supposed to have a big behind, or full lips, or a 20 inch waist. People don’t age gracefully anymore. There are 70-year olds without any wrinkles or crows feet because they’ve been botoxed out, it’s truly sad. In a time when we have the capacity to live longer than ever before, yet seem to be dying younger, age and wisdom should be embraced. My crows feet illustrate that I’ve lived and laughed not just hash-tagged it, but done so in real life. Every imperfection on my body has a story. I carried three children to term and that accomplishment deserves some respect. It’s hard to be good with yourself when society’s message is “you could use a tune-up.” I say-you are fine as is! Healthy changes to improve quality of life are great but base them on your needs not in comparison to the next person, especially some fictitiously perfect person in the media. Lastly, never change to please a partner. If they don’t accept you the way you are then they’re not the one dear! I am an “as is” purchase who’s value is subject to appreciate with time. When I get down on me I remind myself I’m a one of a kind not meant to blend in with the rest just like you! Remember, “There is nothing wrong with your body, but there is a lot wrong with the messages which try to convince you otherwise (Rae Smith).”